Life is Hard; Seek Joy Where You Can

This past year, I've joined some facebook groups for parents, usually specifically moms, of special needs kids. I did this because, as much as I love talking to my family and friends who don't have special needs kids, sometimes, your lives are exhaustively amazing, and just conversations about your mornings make me jealous. Sometimes, I need to know that others out there struggle just to keep my shit together.

For long-time followers, you already know that these two rad kids, my 2 middles, are autistic. The greatest impact in my life is that I am forced to communicate better. There are many other ways I've been impacted, but that's the biggest.

I'm not going to lie and think that it hasn't impacted other parts of my life. I'm sure there are friends that normally would have been regular visitors that have no idea how to handle just hanging out in a house with neurodivergent kids. It's ok. I'm still getting the hang of it, and they came from me. It doesn't make it less lonely, and it doesn't make it suck any less.

Because, the thing is, I still see the lives other people get to lead, the opportunities they had to do some pretty fun things...and realize that it's not always going to be something I can accomplish.

For a long time, I was bitter. I mean, I can't just go outside and weed my yard. I have to either find a way to make it a game where they help, find someone to watch them, or watch my yard turn into a jungle. I can't *just* take the kids to the store. I have to repeat social stories the whole walk there, repeating over and over that we don't run down the aisles, we don't manhandle the shelf items, we don't open the cooler doors unless we're getting something out of them, etc. Every corner, I have to stop, make sure they are holding either my hand or their sister's stroller.

Now, it seems like I'm complaining about having to parent my kids. I'm not. And, outside of the REALLY tough bits, raising them isn't that much harder than neurotypical kids, if I'm going to be honest.

But, it's about the hard stuff.

It's the nights when either of my kids have convinced themself that their dad is coming, and, when he doesn't show up (because he didn't know he was expected), a meltdown occurs, and I have to literally batten down the hatches. Often I sustain injuries protecting my other kids.
It's also the nights when no one wants to eat anything that isn't dessert. When I've made food that no one will eat because it's not mac and cheese or chicken nuggets.
Or the nights when I *just* want to take a shower and go to bed. And one or both of them refuse to.
sleep, so, I continue to go unwashed.
It's the nights when I want to go out with friends, and I've got a babysitter lined up.....and they bail at the last minute.
It's having to order groceries online now, because with their dad went the only vehicle we had.
It's knowing that the only thing your kids want is to ride in the car and go somewhere, and the best you can do is take them for a walk to the park.

Some of those days, I'm having an arthritis flareup. Some of those days, depression rears it's asshole head and I'm doing all of this while the world I wade through is pudding.

The thing is...it's the hard parts of raising my kids that bring me joy. They give me a reason to remind myself not that I'm in charge and that they should listen, but that I'm the one that needs to be compassionate and make space for their pain and frustration.

I can't tell you how many years of therapy for ME it's taken to be able to do that. I highly recommend it.

I'll be honest; I still feel shitty that I missed a friend's wedding last year. I feel horrible that I can't take the kids to better parks and play structures.

But the trick to enjoying this summer isn't going to be in focusing on the things I can't take them to do.

It's gonna be the water balloons on the way, and the reusable water balloons I crocheted.
It's going to be the sprinkler.
It's going to be walking to the park and playing with friends.
It's going to be freezer pops.
It's going to be kiddie pools.

It's going to be video games when it's hottest.
It's going to be joyous.


Because I can't find the joy focusing on all the things I'm missing out on. I'm going to have to find the joy in what I have. And, if I'm going to be truly honest, what I have is pretty freaking awesome. I love my kids, they love me, they love each other, they've got friends and family that love them. Would it be nice to have a break once in a while? Sure. But, we're going to focus on the rad we have and not pine for the things we don't.

So a lot more cute. And a lot more love.

Because Joy is Love.